Category: Worst Video Games of all-time

Konami – legends of 8-bit gaming

Konami was one of the best known video game developers of the 8-bit era. Take away Top Gun they made for the NES, and their library is near perfect. Konami was known for the difficulty of their games and kick ass music. Add normally well done graphics, Konami made some of the best NES games out there. They also gave us the most famous cheat code in history. We all know it – Up, up, down, down, left, right, left right, B, A, start.

(Contra, what more needs to be said? This is a video game.)

A friend that lived across the alley from me introduced me to my first Konami game. That game was called Contra. Contra is a military vs alien platforming action game. The game starts with you with three lives and is known for dozens of enemies on screen at once, awesome stage designs and some of the coolest boss battles on the NES. Like most, we somehow heard from a friend who heard it from a friend about the Konami cheat I mentioned before, which gave you 30 lives. Even today, Contra holds up well due to spot on controls and awesome weapons.

Almost around this same time-frame, my now brother-in-law and sister were actually living about six houses down from my parents and me. My brother-in-law was in college at the time and I thought he was one of the coolest guys out there. So when he wasn’t busy, we played video games. He had a Konami game called Jackal. The game was a lot like Contra. Instead of controlling a person however, you controlled a jeep which shot grenades, which could be upgraded for missiles. Like Contra, this game had excellent controls, diverse levels and kick ass boss fights.

Two games I borrowed from friends and rented were Lifeforce and Gradius. Both are space flying fighters. Like Contra, these games are known for their difficulty. But once again, these games have kick ass music, kick ass weapons and level designs. While they fell short for me when compared to Contra, both were fun and enjoyable games I highly recommend for any new retro gamer out there.

Blades of Steel was a game I rented and loved. While not a hockey fan back then or now, Blades of Steel was fun because it was more about fighting than the actual hockey game. Many NES Sports Games top ten lists has this game on it. The game had good graphics, simple but good play control and comical game play. We all spent a few hours beating the hell out of the other team. The score of the game came second to the fighting.

(Castlevania. Masterpiece.)

Castlevania. My God, what more needs to be said? Part one and three are classics. Near perfection in video gaming history. Part two has gotten more popular in recent years. Even if you still hate it just remember the old Meatloaf song states “Two out of three ain’t bad” and Konami made two of the greatest 8-bit masterpieces ever made. Cool graphics. Legendary boss fights. Some of the greatest video game music ever composed. And us kids yelling and tossing our controllers due to the difficulty of these games. I can’t say enough great things about Castlevania. Just talking about it has my nipples hard.

(Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, The Arcade Game. One of the best “beat em ups” on the NES and another Konami masterpiece.)

Last but not least, let’s talk about the three Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles games. The first one for years was hated for odd enemies never seen in the cartoon and its difficulty. While the game took heat early on, with thanks to online gamers and speed-runners, the game is now seen as somewhat of a classic. While less popular than the other two, this game had awesome music and cool power-ups. TMNT2 the Arcade Game was awesome. The game was a “beat em up” and I would argue one of the best, if not the best on the NES. TMNT3 the Manhattan Project won Nintendo Power Magazine game of the year in 1992. The game is either loved or hated by TMNT fans. I think TMNT3 while not as fun as TMNT2, is still a very good game.

I could go on and on. Konami were masters of the 8-bit. They made other underrated titles such as Goonies 2, which has gained popularity over the past few years. Rush N’ Attack while no Contra, was still a decent game. Double Dribble is a sports classic. Base Wars is an underrated sports title that me and a childhood friend wasted hours on. If you are new to retro gaming, just stay away from the two Top Gun games. I am not sure what Konami was doing during the process of making those two games.

In recent years Konami has taken a lot of shit. Some blame them for ruining the Silent Hill games. Others mock their attempts as they take on FIFA at making soccer games. We can debate this all day long. One thing is carved in stone. Konami were masters during the 8-bit era. If you say you don’t like a Konami game during this era, you are clearly lying or know nothing about video gaming.

Grand Theft Auto 5- 9 out of 10 (great replay value)

I’m old enough to have played the original Grand Theft Auto games before Rock Star Games became the juggernaut they are today. The first couple of games had mediocre graphics at best. They had very simple concepts. Steal cars. Run people over for points. Have sex with hookers to fill your health bar. While stupid in many ways, these were some of first video games that allowed you to control and play as a bad guy instead of a good guy. It was fun being a villain for a change instead of your stereotypical hero.

By Grand Theft Auto 3, I was starting to lose interest. The games were still funny, but pretty much the same old shit. Steal cars. Rob people. Run from cops. And so on and so on. I never got into Grand Theft Auto Vice City, San Andreas or V. Just recently I bought and played V. I will have to admit, it’s a very good game. Decent enough storyline. Tons of side missions to do. And very cool that you play as three different characters, all with storylines of their own and missions to complete.

(Michael De Santa. Lifelong criminal and first character you control in GTA5)

For those that have avoided and not played Grand Theft Auto V, let me give you a little background on the game. GTA5 was one of the most hyped games of all-time. In my life, it was the first game since Super Mario Brothers 3 that was hyped this much. I remember seeing at least a half-dozen commercials daily about it before its release. To date, GTA5 is the third best-selling video game in history. Sales of GTA5 currently stand at 115,000,000 copies sold.

What really made this game stand out was the open world. There are tons of areas to explore. You can customized not only your cars, but your clothes, physical appearance and weapons. You play as three characters. The game starts with you controlling a guy named Michael in a bank robbery gone wrong. Michael is a longtime crook. While he now lives a rich lifestyle due to helping the FEDS, Michael has a failing marriage and trouble relating with his two kids. Then there’s Franklin. A black man living in the more dangerous part of town. He is an excellent car thief with street knowledge. In his world, we see racism and parts of society many of us sadly wish to ignore. Last but not least, Trevor. The meth-out former “friend” of Michael’s. Trevor is unstable, crazy and shows no mercy toward those he dislikes or deems a threat.

(Franklin Clinton. To me, the most balance character of the game and overall, best one to control.)

To sum the game up without writing 35 paragraphs is simple. It reminds me of the movie Pulp Fiction. You have three characters. Each has their own set of main missions that you have to complete in order to advance and beat the game. Each has their own set of side missions you can do, which are optional. While each character has their own issues and problems they face, their storylines come together, leading to the main plot of the game. Rock Star did an awesome job with this. You can spend hours as Franklin. Completing as many side missions and exploring areas for hours and days. With a few controller outputs, bam, you are now controlling Trevor. His missions are completely different than Franklin’s. This helps keep the game fresh and gives it a very high replay value.

GTA5 is a great game. Some critics still see it as a primitive game of “beating up hookers, stealing cars and running from the police” which is not true. The game uses Satire to poke fun at politics, racism and other issues better than any gaming developer out there. With the said, the critics are also correct. At the end of the day, the game is about being a criminal. There is no redemption. Michael is still a cocky crook. Franklin is now a high class crook. Trevor is, well, still a crazy killer with millions of dollars now.

(While I find Trevor Phillips to be the funniest of the 3, I also find his missions to be my least favorite out of the 3.)

I’m happy I finally played GTA5 in late 2019. I spent about three weeks on it during the holidays. Overall I had a good experience with the game. I found the replay value to be high as there are so many missions and ways to play the game. The game has numerous endings and like RDR1 and RDR2, becomes an open world of free roam after you complete all the main missions. I am not sure the hype of why this game ranks third in sales all-time. While a very good game, I don’t see it as groundbreaking or legendary. With that said, I rate GTA5 a 9 out of 10.

LJN – worse than hell

When you hear Rock Star Games, you think fun. Grand Theft Auto and Red Redemption games come to mind. Rock Star has made some of the best-selling and critically acclaimed games in history. If you grew up during the 8 and 16 bit eras, you know and love Capcom. They gave us classics like the Mega Man series, Ducktales and the Street Fighter games. Maybe you were a Konami fanboy. They made the hard games we love such as Contra, Lifeforce and Jackal. Or maybe you loved Sunsoft which gave us the awesome NES Batman game, the arcade classic Spy Hunter and the underrated Gremlins 2.

Then there is LJN. They were the exact opposite of the video game companies I named above. They made disaster after disaster. Failure after failure. And it’s not like they did this with one genre of games. They ruined platforming games, side scrolling games and sports. When you see a LJN logo, you would be better off using meth than playing these games.

Look, every company makes a bad game. Companies have low points during their history. Konami made Top Gun for the NES. It sucks worse than a Pauly Shore movie. You can’t knock them all out of the park. But it’s not like Konami kept making more Top Guns. They made classics with a fuck up there and there. LJN kept dumping out turd after turd. If I ever become an enemy of the state, the FBI or military would not need torture. Just put me in a room and force me to play LJN games. I would find the body of Jimmy Hoffa.

(X-Men for the NES. Your parents might as well bought dog shit with their hard earned money than wasted it on this crap.)
(The infamous LJN Logo. Also known as the video game face of Satan himself.)

I could name a bad game that Rock Star, Capcom and Sunsoft all made like I did with Konami. But their overall body of work outweighs the bad. LJN has a never ending list of shit. Back to the Future, sucks. Beetlejuice, horse shit. MLB (baseball) a broken mess. X-Men, basically unplayable. Who Framed Roger Rabbit, some of the worst video game controls in history. Nightmare on Elm Street, a real life nightmare. Bill and Ted, a disgrace to humanity. You see a pattern here?

We all should be thankful that LJN is no more. Sadly, us children of the 1980’s and much of the 1990’s had to suffer through their games. Our hard-working parents wasted money on these games that we stopped playing within the first hour of owning them. Many of us wasted a weekend renting these terrible games. We broke controllers over these worthless games. I still drink heavily when I hear someone utter the words “LJN”. I picture hell itself being nothing but NES systems with nothing but LJN games to play.

Hydlide – 1 out of 10 (made by Satan himself)

Hydlide…… How much crack cocaine was being smoked by these game designers? Who looked at the final product and said “We need to release this game”? This game is one of the worst video games in the history of video games. It sucks. It blows. Everyone involved in making this game should be charged with war crimes against humanity.

(You would have to be drunk off a case of beer and several shots of cheap Scotch to attempt to wanna play this game for more than 60 seconds.)

Where to even begin with this disaster??? Let’s start out with the music. It is some of the most annoying sound effects put on a 5-6 loop. You will have nightmares if you listen to the music for more than two minutes. Then, take a look at the graphics. What are you looking at? It’s like staring at vomit meets “I ate too much Mexican food” dump you took. The game is uglier than Rosie O’Donnell in a thong.

Gameplay? That is an insult to even say this game has gameplay. Attacking an enemy is done by bumping into them and smashing the buttons on the control in hopes of killing the enemy instead of it killing you. Let me repeat this. To attack an enemy, you bump into them. That’s correct, no attack animation like you see in games like Zelda, Contra, Ninja Gaiden or every other game made in the history of gaming. Just run into the enemy and pray for the best.

Enemies? You have some awesome ones, let me tell you. Bees. That is correct. Bees are a common one. A moving bush. A rock. Walking fireballs. Sometimes walking into a dark room will kill you for no reason, as proven by the Angry Video Game Nerd. As I said in my opening paragraph, this game had to be made due to tons of crack smoking.

Yes, I did own this game. My dad’s company closed down and my parents had little money for about a year. This was a birthday gift, as my dad found this game for around $10 at Toy-R-Us. I know my dad tried, but he might as well gave me a bag of broken glass to play with. It probably would have been more fun and I would have cool scares to show off. Instead, I am scared for life having played this abomination.

This game is a 1 out of 10.